Insert Title Here (Cause I’m at a loss)

Perhaps the last 20 pounds are the hardest. No, the first 20 pounds were. Wait, maintenance is – experience tells me so. No matter, something has been going on in my body-brain connection that has me stalled. Suddenly cupcakes look tasty. Processed food no longer is a turn-off. The drive to eat healthy is not driving me. Even my thoughts about eating are disheveled, chaotic, fragmented, manifesting in dreams.

I could blame this on my breast cancer (99.99% chance of cure from surgery in May) and the discomfort – fuck it – agony of reconstruction. I could recall all of the literature on sleep disturbance and how that messes with one’s existence, not to mention weight loss. I could blame my coping skills, realizing that my teeny-weenie anxiety disorder is off the wall now as I await the next surgery in 1 month. Or, I could give myself a break, realize that the past 4 months have indeed been sucky on me and Sue (who is starting to crumble also), that it’s OK to be fragile even if your partner thinks you shouldn’t be, and that I do have adequate coping skills that do not include eating protein bars – 3 at a time…

Exercise has become a relief. The 30-minutes on the indoor bike are a time to experiment with the digital output, play with my heart rate, see what activities make me go faster (music) and with less boredom. I can walk in the heat but pay the price in, um, chestal swelling. Walking is much more relaxing, uses more muscles, and is still my exercise of choice – just not at 5 a.m. Writing helps. The kind of writing that simply is free form then putting it away. Tracking my eating had become sporadic – I’m back to putting everything into Livestrong. How easy it is to slip on such an important behavior!  I now am more avoidant of political issues, which was only fueling my anxiety and deflecting my true emotions. (I can’t do anything about which moron is chosen in the Republican primary anyway.) Sue and I have agreed ways we can help each other with my eating (rather, not eating protein bars), dealing with my increased anxiety, and her tolerance, or lack thereof, of anything Jan ;-) , and acceptable methods for her to be more verbal about her needs. I have a serious goal for a certain waist size and optimal health for surgery because it is going to be another long recovery process for my new foobs. I expect this one to be less painful and for both of us to cope better.

I’m OK, really. I’m not. But I’m working on it.

anxiety cartoon

16 thoughts on “Insert Title Here (Cause I’m at a loss)

  1. Jan, can I help? I’m happy to be here if you want to vent. About political issues (despite how apolitical I am) or you foobs or whatever. I’m also happy to be a life line if you want someone to pull your hand out of the proverbial cookie jar. Goodness knows I could use someone to do that for me now and again! However I can support you, I’m here. Hugs.

  2. I’m sorry things are so tough right now…if misery loves company, then you’re in good company, I swear! The recovery for the expanders is quite painful, then? I have scheduled ANOTHER ps appointment to get my nagging questions answered.

    Your posts are truly helpful and quite inspiring. Do feel as if you can reach across the net and vent to me too…I mean that.

    • Many women with tissue expanders have very little pain. I’m one who either has little tolerance (that is true) or is like some women who experience constant discomfort, even more when trying to sleep. I do think my TE’s are too wide, so I feel them all the time, plus I’ve had problems with skin necrosis requiring one revision already. Check out breastcancer.org forums to read about reconstruction experiences. A wonderful site!

  3. I’m sorry you’re having a hard time right now. You know that after a major medical illness it’s when things are getting better that most people have anxiety. It’s normal for you to feel anxious and it will pass. Don’t get too caught up on numbers or calories, but instead focus on the important nutritional info. Getting the most nutrition from your food will help you be ready for the next surgery. Hang in there!

  4. Knowing everything is not “okay” is a good thing. it’s waking up 3 years post-not-okay and realizing you’re off the rails that does the most harm. :)

    Let me know if there’s anything I can do! (Remember, I’m unemployed and usually have the whole day at my disposal!)

    • Cammy, you are so right! I remember exactly when I went of the rails last time and didn’t stop myself. More than 100 pounds later…

  5. I hope everything gets better for you :) Exercise is a great relief and what’s one or two cup cakes – tomorrow is another day. As for the republican primary well I’m Canadian and to be frank Rick Perry is a little frightening…

    • Ha! Thankfully I hadn’t fallen into cupcakes. Rick Perry is very frightening and makes me angry at his unconstitutional remarks. Perhaps I’m more angry that he is actually leading in the polls. What has happened to my country? (Or maybe I was just been sleeping through the W. elections?)

  6. I’m sure that everything you’ve been through since your diagnosis has been building and contributing to your feelings…it WILL get better, and you (and Sue!) will get through this rough spot.

    That said, as a Texan I am embarrassed that Rick Perry is doing so well in the polls. Are people blind?!?

  7. Life is so full of peaks and valleys. If only we could bottle that time period when we are so full of energy, enthusiasm and have the resolve to eat well and exercise, then when times are rough we could sprinkle ourselves with that magic fairy dust and get going again! Talking about it helps, and just look at all of the support you have here in the blog sphere! We know your pain, most of us have been there and done that. Hope you find what you need to get back on track and if there is a little something I can do, I’d love to help! Sending you good vibes!!!

  8. Jan, I find it interesting that all of us who have been blogging about weight and health for the past year or so keep arriving in the approximately the same place at the same time. We all have had health issues (yours probably being the most serious), curtailment of activity, falling off the weight-loss wagon a bit, questioning relationships, and reexamining our goals and beliefs. So each time I stay away from blogging because of my own issues, I’m always compelled to return because I know that all my bloggie friends will more than likely be writing about the same things that concern me. A year ago I would have begged you to not eat the cupcake; now I say go ahead and eat the cupcake if you really want it, but be sure you savor every bite. Be aware that it may cost you, but sometimes a moment of pleasure is worth it.

    I think you’re smart to avoid politics. Clint and I were political junkies for a long time — he still is, but I began to avoid listening to the political talking heads each evening. Then, suddenly, as these babies in Congress continued their bickering this summer threatening to close down the government, I lost my mind. Yes, I was under pressure from other things in my life, so this just became too much for me — I was determined to have my voice heard and began writing letters to many of them and the President, detailing my beliefs. I don’t believe anyone actually read my letters, but I felt that I needed to take some kind of action. But…..my angst was in overdrive during those weeks, and I, too, am now trying to avoid most of the political diatribes. Still…..I confess that I enjoyed being revved up. Hopefully I can transfer that same energy to focusing on my own health and personal issues.

    Does Sue blog? What are her needs? Are you willing to share those with us?

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