Since last I wrote, or visited the blogging community, or stayed on plan… Well, no excuses. My father’s visit was wonderful but distracting and challenging food-wise. He is a feeder – for real. Despite knowing my food plan and decades of yo-yo’ing, he would put candy (home-made fudge) on my desk, buy ice cream (ICE CREAM!) and continually offer me crap. I found that when we would go out to eat, I could easily stay within my food plan, but at home my stimulus control was gone. His presence just made it worse. We negotiated about putting candy in his bedroom, having him buy ice cream in small cups and hiding it in the freezer where I wouldn’t see it. But our joint grief over Mom (just 4 months fresh), and his need to conjure her through his cooking rituals made it impossible to tell him not to cook. I found the fudge and his midnight snacks irresistible. I wanted to strangle him.
Then a wondrous event occurred over the week of Thanksgiving. Our entire immediate family, one of Sue’s sisters, and Mom’s best friend and her husband gathered at our home for almost an entire week. That time was a warm cloud of love filling the house. We cooked, ate, played games, sat around fires outside and inside, laughed, told jokes, remembered Mom – and my eating sweets was totally out of control.
Amazing how one year of new habits can be easily overthrown. I am beginning to believe there is a carbohydrate addiction…
My skinny Father now is back in Dallas, exactly 1 pound heavier. Although I “only” gained 4 pounds over the 2+ months, I have felt completely out of control with food and sleep; my mood is low (OK, grief-holidays, I get it); and I have been searching for help. Sue is completely off her food plan also and could care less.
In desperation, I joined Weight Watchers last week after reading about the new points plan based on scientific evidence with more emphasis on protein and fiber. WW is a huge change for me, but I’m trying this for 2 reasons. 1.) I want to get away from the severely restricted foods we have used the past year, and WW seems to have a lot of tools that will help me to (OMG) cook. 2.) I need more social support. I hate groups, but I want to try in-person as well as on-line WW. The monetary commitment is a pain but adds another incentive.
For now, it’s back to daily monitoring of food, walking to resume the modicum of fitness that I had, reconnecting with my blogging buddies, and going back to all of those behaviors around food that I so neatly laid out almost one year ago.