Emerging From a Fog

Since last I wrote, or visited the blogging community, or stayed on plan… Well, no excuses. My father’s visit was wonderful but distracting and challenging food-wise. He is a feeder – for real. Despite knowing my food plan and decades of yo-yo’ing, he would put candy (home-made fudge) on my desk, buy ice cream (ICE CREAM!) and continually offer me crap. I found that when we would go out to eat, I could easily stay within my food plan, but at home my stimulus control was gone. His presence just made it worse. We negotiated about putting candy in his bedroom, having him buy ice cream in small cups and hiding it in the freezer where I wouldn’t see it. But our joint grief over Mom (just 4 months fresh), and his need to conjure her through his cooking rituals made it impossible to tell him not to cook. I found the fudge and his midnight snacks irresistible. I wanted to strangle him.

Then a wondrous event occurred over the week of Thanksgiving. Our entire immediate family, one of Sue’s sisters, and Mom’s best friend and her husband gathered at our home for almost an entire week. That time was a warm cloud of love filling the house.  We cooked, ate, played games, sat around fires outside and inside, laughed, told jokes, remembered Mom – and my eating sweets was totally out of control.

Amazing how one year of new habits can be easily overthrown. I am beginning to believe there is a carbohydrate addiction…

My skinny Father now is back in Dallas, exactly 1 pound heavier. Although I “only” gained 4 pounds over the 2+ months, I have felt completely out of control with food and sleep; my mood is low (OK, grief-holidays, I get it); and I have been searching for help. Sue is completely off her food plan also and could care less.

In desperation, I joined Weight Watchers last week after reading about the new points plan based on scientific evidence with more emphasis on protein and fiber. WW is a huge change for me, but I’m trying this for 2 reasons. 1.) I want to get away from the severely restricted foods we have used the past year, and WW seems to have a lot of tools that will help me to (OMG) cook. 2.) I need more social support. I hate groups, but I want to try in-person as well as on-line WW. The monetary commitment is a pain but adds another incentive.

For now, it’s back to daily monitoring of food, walking to resume the modicum of fitness that I had, reconnecting with my blogging buddies, and going back to all of those behaviors around food that I so neatly laid out almost one year ago.

family picture

Thanksgiving Family Portrait

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6 thoughts on “Emerging From a Fog

  1. I actually have been toying with going back to WW myself. It has been many years since I was a member and back then I was the queen of finding low point foods that were not necessarily healthy choices. Seems to me from what I am hearing that the new plan takes that into account. But, oh, the hassle of counting points. I really do feel there is something to the whole carb thing. For me, I am just ready to get past the holiday season and the food temptation.

    • There is an entire page of 0-point foods, essentially most veggies and fruits. Tons of recipes and quick snacks by point level. The online site has an amazing array of tools.

      I hate change, so just waiting to see how this first month goes.

  2. I was so glad to hear from you. You know that the first year following a loss is the hardest. Glad to hear you took the plunge to WW. Good luck with it and I can’t wait to hear how you do. Merry Christmas!

  3. I have heard good things about the “new” WW. I hope it works well for you. That is such a wonderful family picture. So glad you are back online and getting back on plan. My gym attendence has become sporatic and I am feeling it, so I can relate.

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