As Cammy christened them, my noobs are on board. Swollen – well the surrounding tissue – a little uneven, and sore, but they arrived with much fanfare.

As usual I required an elephant-sized dose of midazalom (sedative) before heading back to the OR. So I have little memory of anything until the recovery room when I awoke to a gravely voiced nurse asking me if I wanted more pain medication. I asked what she was giving me. “Morphine”, she rasped. Crap. The pain receptors in my brain and elsewhere really enjoy fentanyl so much more. “I can’t convince you to dribble in a dash of …” “NO. We only use that for patients being admitted.” OK, but I warned her that I would get really chatty with morphine. Not like a mean drunk chatty, but very mouthy. She quickly found this out when the computer terminals at each bedside started winking out. “It’s the server”, I sang. She mumbled across the aisle to the nurse who had pre-op’ed me to reboot. “Noooo. It’s a hospital-wide server issue. La-la-la.” Glaring at me, she pushed more morphine and went to call the help desk. As I drifted off, I heard her barking at everyone to stop rebooting because it was a server issue. “Now can I have my fentanyl?” All that got me was a really quick discharge from the recovery room and into the arms of my sweetie. I was poured into the back seat of the car (not wanting a deployed airbag to hit my foobs noobs) and mumbled directions to the nearest Starbucks to cure my caffeine headache. Suddenly I grabbed my chest wall. “SOFT! SUE! THEY’RE SOFT!”

Being chauffeured after surgery

That night the phone range and on the other end was my surgeon! He called to advise meΒ  (starting with, “Hey, dopey”) that I would experience significantly more pain than he had led me to expect. Apparently my weight loss had left the “pockets” for the implants very loose and required mucho extra suturing, some into my sternum. (Ouch) Two days later, the great unveiling occurred in Dr. N’s office. All 3 of us were impressed despite the swelling and unevenness, which will subside with time. I do have 2 drains and a lot of restrictions on arm movements and exercise (specifically, no exercise). This morning, however, I got to take a shower and have not had anything stronger than Tylenol for over 12 hours. I’m stiff. I bitch about the drains and wearing a compression bra 24/7. I get back spasms, but this surgery recovery has been much easier than the mastectomy – much to Sue’s relief. By Monday I should be ready for a very nice dinner for our 20th anniversary. Isn’t that what you get on your 20th? New tits?


10 thoughts on “Noobs!

  1. I’m glad to read you came through this okay, and it sounds like you’re going to be pleased with the results. I sure hope so after all you’ve been through.

  2. I am glad to see your sense of humor is still intact after getting noobs! Happy to hear that the recovery process is easier than the first go around!

    Happy Anniversary to your both! Noobs seems like the perfect gift. “soft” is good! πŸ™‚

  3. Hmm, Noobs: The Gifts That Keep On Giving. πŸ™‚

    Glad you’re doing (relatively) well on the road to recovery! Truly the perfect anniversary gift. (20 years? Wow!)

  4. You make me smile. So glad this surgery went well – and I love your sass! That’ll teach the nurse not to give you what you want! πŸ˜‰

  5. Jan, I’m really happy you’re (semi)up and around again! Welcome back! Please win the lottery, buy that land in Hawaii, and let me come visit you!!

  6. Congrats on your 20th anniversary and your new noobs! I have a friend who claims this year she gets a new set because it’s her tenth. I will have to tell her she is wrong because Jan said so πŸ˜‰

  7. Congrats on your noobs! And NO, I don’t want new tits for my 20th. I want diamonds and a vacation. But, maybe by then I might like my loose skin removed. I hope to be ready for all that then. It’s 5 years from now, I better be at goal by then. I love that I’m not the only one that gets chatty and bossy when high on drugs, legal ones under a docs supervision of course. πŸ™‚

  8. I am thrilled to hear how well you are doing! I bet that shower felt great.

    I missed that new titis thing for my 20th. Coming up on 30 in a couple of years – is that the facelift year?

    Happy Anniversary, happy recovery, happy, happy

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